Decision made on next step (I think)

I am 99% sure that I have made my decision on my next step.  I have given it a lot of thought and prayer and have decided that I want the injectable route for my next IUI.  I considered one more round of clomid, but- I feel that I am better to give myself every chance possible, and although the RE considers me only having 2 well timed cylces of trying to conceive (both with IUI since I am single), and my AMH is normal, and HSG, and all hormone tests are within normal range, so he feels 2 or 3 natural IUI cycles is a good next step- what I think is- —– I am still 39, and I think I need to just do the injectables.  If I could afford IVF I would but it is not an option, and without a cosigner I cannot get a loan for it, and I have no cosigner so….. right now- it is injectable IUI.  The RE is at least allowing me to have 6 mature eggs before cancelling the cycle.  So, now it is save up $ since I lost my coverage for fertility treatments, and get into shape while I wait.  My goal is to do it within 2 cycles tops. I just finished my period a few days ago, so likely 2 cycles before I can do it.  The waiting is hard, and still, everywhere I look are pregnant ladies.  My Brother and his wife just reached the 20 week mark, 21 tomorrow and found out they are having a girl.  My old boss who I am throwing a shower for is coming up on her 30th week.  My fear is if the cycle I do injectables don’t work, it will mean nothing will, and I cant face that.  I don’t know if I could be happy, with a will to live without being a mom, carrying a child.  I know all of us feel this going through infertility treatment, but- how do you be positive, have faith, and trust in God’s Will, without trying to take control back????

Long time no blog…..

I have not been on here in so long.  After the 2nd failed IUI and all my failed home insems I just was in a mindset of- if it was going to work  it would have.  But- I did decide to see another RE.  This time at a big medical chain, OB-GYN department that has one RE on staff.  After reviewing everything, he wanted to do an AMH anti mullerian hormone test which he said is the best way to see how much time if any I have, egg quality and reserve, without taking an egg out to see.  Prior to the test I said I want injectables.  He said, it depends on the AMH results.  If it shows my reserve is low, then he supports it.  If it is within normal range for my age, “if it were up to me, which it is not, it is up to you…… I would recommend doing 2-3 natural IUI cycles- no meds, just LH surge monitoring, and then if no pregnancy we will talk.”.  I was not liking that b/c I have already done clomid and trigger shot with both IUI’s and 2 self insems prior.  Why would I go backwords.  If age and money weren’t issues, I would maybe consider one natural. But- when I expressed this he said he isn’t saying he won’t do it but if my AMH is ok, more discussion is needed, I can’t just schedule an apt to jump in, so AMH came back normal, don’t know number off top of my head and don’t have access to it now. So…. now what… I don’t know. My normal GYN would do another clomid and trigger shot IUI, but- I’m so afraid it won’t work. One good thing is- I did say to the RE, how many eggs would you allow me to have mature before cancelling the cycle- he said 6. My GYN wont do more then 4, and her partners wont do 3 even so….. I’m glad with 6, good odds. I had good timing I think with IUI’s, but always was 24 hours post trigger, and maybe I should have waites 36, but both times they said my CM was fertile, looked great for timing. So thoughts advice? I need it.

BFN AGAIN

I am sad to post this, because it just makes it hit home even more that my 2nd IUI resulted in a big fat negative!  I had so much hope for it, and I really believed I would end up pregnant.  Unfortunately, my insurance changed and I no longer have fertility coverage, at the same time I want to go to an RE.  I think I may do one more IUI with my GYN with clomid.  I made an appointment with an RE- first available was March 4th.  So- obviously this months cycle I have to skip- financially and I am already past when I would have started meds.  Well, March 4th is day 14 of the next cycle!  SO, if I wait- I would have to skip 2 in a row.  And, I don’t even know if the RE will agree to give me injectables, etc.  I do well on clomid- but- I just am so frustrated, I mean- if everything was good- timing, 3 mature eggs, good sperm count- and I didn’t get pregnant- what in the world would make me think it would work trying again?  So- I guess I am in limbo.  I hate not knowing what to do.

2WW, CD 19, 5-6 days post IUI (depending if you count day of)

Wow, here I am in the 2ww of my 2nd IUI.  I had thought I had posted since my IUI but I guess I haven’t.  I have had so much going on, which I think has helped this 2ww so far, but, I am not even done with week 1. 😦 

So, if any of this is repeated from my last post, I apologize, as I didn’t read it first.  I was up in arms after my CD11 follie ultrasound, with the on call GYN saying she never dealt with this but what she read says cancel my cycle, to my GYN calling me Sunday without my paging her and saying go ahead, (she did say, if I were younger she would of cancel it…that is so bittersweet b/c I am glad it wasn’t cancelled but it was a splash of cold water of the age ‘thing’… I am 39 by the way).  She did tell me not to trigger however, she said she thought the 3 mature eggs would all pop without it.  I disagree with that, and told her I would not trigger.  She also ordered an ultrasound for me if I wanted prior to the IUI.  I did trigger however Monday morning at 9:05.  Pharmacy opened at 9am, I had my best friend “Tyler” shoot me up in the car in the parking lot.  I decided against the ultrasound, with the fear that I had more than 3 eggs and the doctor would cancel the cycle.  THe tech had only told me the mature eggs I had at the time of the ultrasound so it is possible between day 11 which is early for me to have an ultrasound by a day, and IUI day, I would maybe have more than 3 mature eggs.  So… Tuesday morning I went in bright and early for my IUI, and I got the doctor I wanted, the one who from what I was told pioneered the IUI program at this health system, and works with single ladies wanting to be mom’s, as well as the GLBT community.  I did tell her I triggered, but left out the part of Dr. S saying not to. THis one hurt, which I took as a bad sign, meaning ovulation wasn’t imminent, but I had been having ovulation pains for a cople days, including that morning.  She said she used a smaller but longer catheter, to help it go in slower, and really what hurt was the speculum to be honest.  She said my CM was very fertile, and I was surprised by that but very happy.  She said everything looks great for timing, and with 3mature eggs, I have done all I can do for this cycle.  By that evening, my ovulation pains had gotten alot less, and since then I have had only twinges, so I think I did ovulate that day.  And, amazingly, I STILL feel that this cycle is the one that will work.  Last IUI it was a forced positivity, I had to really try.  But this time, I woke up one day with it firmly in my head- it will work.  I have prayed for God’s will, and I have to say I didn’t think I would remain positive.  So, how do you count post IUI.  If I count the day of today is 6 days post, but if I count the day after it is 5.  Either way, I am comung to the implantation phase, and I have twinges that I keep thinking are implantation. OH, I forgot to say this part, so my first IUI- the sperm count from the donor was 9.2 million motile sperm.  This time, 41.4 million motile.  The doctor who performed the IUI and my Dr. S said Wonderful!  I realize that all 3 could fertilze and none implant, or, one could and not implant, but I just feel that I will get a positive result from this.  I hope I had more than 3 eggs mature, they say the best chances are 3-4 mature. But, as the doctor told me, it is now out o fmy hands, and oh how hard is that…… I mean, the thing I want most in the world, the only thing I want, I need, is the one thing I have no control over what happens with it.  Just wait.  But, hopefully I will stay positive and that will help.  My biggest fear is that I messed the timing up by triggering but the doctor said the best indication is the CM, and my cervix was full of fertile CM she said so… I am going with that. 🙂

On another front, my boss has taken another job.  I applied for hers and I got it.  THis is a significant pay increase for me, it comes with alot more responsibility as it is management, and on call 24-7, but financially I need this.  I officially start the 21st. which coincidentally is the day  before AF is due.  SO, it will be a huge week for me!  My boss has started to show, and has gotten an ultrasound that she keeps with her and shows.  I am so happy for her, but moments it is hard seeing her now showing.  But- I have said to her- I think I will be right there with you soon enough, and I believe it.

Thank you for all your sup[port.  I hope that as I continue to post, it stays positive with a positive outcome.

CONFUSED & HORMONAL- BUT NEEDING INPUT FROM MY TTC GURU’S

 

Ok, this cycle just gets more and more confusing!  I don’t know what to do.  And, stressing over it I do realize isn’t helping but I am unable to stop. Fertility meds definately affect me, and dare I say- make me appear very crazy, the picture above is truly my reality right now!

So, I am CD12 of IUI cycle #2.  I had my follie ultrasound yesterday, CD11.  Because it was a weekend, and I have a GYN, not RE, I had to have it at an affiliated hospital,and my GYN said- have the tech page the on call OB-GYN to review and advise on how to proceed.  The tech told me I had 3 follies that looked like they would ovulate (with trigger).  2 on right, 1 on left.  One was 21 almost 22, the other 2 I don’t remember but I know both were above 15, I want to say one was 18 and one 17.  Anyway, about 45 minutes after I leave I get a call from the on call OB and she tells me- “I don’t really know what to do here- so I have been reading the my chart messages from you and Dr. S (my GYN)” I told her what was going on and I needed to know if I should trigger, or have another ultrasound.  Honestly I was surprised, b/c at CD 11 I expected to have very small follies.  Every day 12 u/s I Have never already ovulated, and usually trigger that night or next day, but- last one- my first IUI, I had to return in 2 days (CD14) for another u/s, triggered that same morning, had IUI 22 hours later.  IUI clinic ONLY does IUI at 8am.  But- back to this cycle- the on call OB says to me (verbiage may not be exact but pretty close) “I have to admit, I have never dealt with this before, I asked another doctor and he hadn’t either, so I don’t really know- so I looked online for advice and it said 3 or more follicles to cancel the trigger shot”.  So I said- if I don’t trigger, will I even ovulate, or will just the one biggest one ovulate?  She said “I don’t know, but I mean cancel the IUI, your risk of multiples is to high.” I told her I have had 3 before and gone through and she said “yes but, it’s the size I think, and since I have no experience dealing with this, I am going with what I saw online, I’m so sorry….but your Dr. S is on call tomorrow, if you want you can call the hospital and ask to have her paged and call you and you can talk with her b/c I don’t know enough about it- but I can’t recommend proceeding or advise you on how to with  what I read”.  Ok, I didn’t bother to tell her that with 50mg of clomid I get2-3 follies everytime and that is why my Dr. S raised it to 100mg- for MORE!  But- before I even get to my questions for you all, let me say- WTF! are you fucking kidding me (sorry if language offends anyone)- you are an OB-GYN for a reputable local health system and you have NEVER Dealt with this, you don’t know about ovulation with a trigger shot- or even without what would happen? Is this even possible? I mean- I can’t even wrap my head around it.  But, I would have went ahead and triggered that night and talked to my GYN Monday (Tomorrow), and call for IUI for Tuesday morning, except my dumb ass forgot to pick up my trigger shot.  The insurance I had covered infertility tx and meds, but had to use a specific specialty pharmacy.  THey already ran it through my old insurance.  So, to get a trigger today- I would have to pay out of pocket a couple hundred.  I haven’t called my doctor yet or I mean, called to have her paged, I don’t want to bug her, but I am afraid if she is on call today she is off tomorrow and I won’t be able to do anything.  So… what to do… I think I will have her paged, and ask her if I can trigger tomorrow morning, and also have an ultrasound tomorrow, to confirm I havne’t ovulated yet, so I don’t waste the DS I already had shipped.  But- I don’t think I will get a same day ultrasound appt. so I have to just pray I won’t have vulated already by tomorrow morning CD13.  Id be surprised if I did, but yyou never know- I still have ovulation pains, which is good, no fertile CM but clomid can change that.  So- I need advice. 

CD10 today, tomorrow is follicle ultrasound…..

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Well, Today is CD10.  I was panicked because I usually have my first follie u/s on day 12 which is a Sunday.  I had called to schedule- hoping for today- and was told the order said dayds 12-14.  So, I had to contact my GYN, she changed the orders to anywhere from day 9 to 14, but recommended Saturday.  One of the Hospitals associated with this clinic chain does ultrasounds on weekends so I scheduled for Saturday (tomorrow) morning.  But- b/c it is not in my GYN’s office, I have to have them page the on call OB to review, so I know how to proceed, and that concerns me a little- trusting someone else to make a determination that could make or break this cycle.  But- hopefully, the person makes the right call.  I do feel some pelvic pain, which I hope means I am growing some good follies- I am just hoping and praying for 4 good ones…… and then I start to worry about the timing…. I say this often but I am telling you- how is ANYONE born, once you are in the fertility thing- you know so much about how the body works- and how “by chance” things are- and how actual little time you have to get sperm/egg to meet- and even if they meet- do they fertilize.. I mean- seriously- everyday I look at people thinking- how are we all here!  But- then it changes and it gives me hope.  I was moody/sensitive on 50 of clomid- the 100mg I didn’t think was working but- now I see it most definately has affected my moods…….  So, please pray, send me good vibes for some good looking follicles tomorrow!

New Year, Same Dream……….

wordpressHappy New Year!  It is both inspiring and disheartening to me that it is 2013.  A new year reminds me that I really expected I would be pregnant by now, or holding my child.  Yet, on the other side, a new year brings with it hope that, this is the year I get my dream, my miracle- and get to become a Mom. 

I am thankful that at least I am starting out trying right away in this new year.  Today is CD7.  Last day of clomid 100mg.  My previous IUI was clomid 50mg, and I had 2 mature eggs.  So, I am really hoping I get 3-4 which is what I read gives you the best chance of pregnancy.  I also am doing my Red Clover Tea, which I keep reading is wonderful for fertility.  Started prenatals back up.  So, in about a week will be IUI #2.  I knew that if number 1 would have worked it would have been pretty lucky, so with this being number 2- I almost have more faith.  Plus- oddly- the way things were for that IUI were “odd”.  For instance, all my follie ultrasounds in the past have showed many follicles on both- but mature always on right- I think once I had 1 maybe mature on left, and 2 mature on right.  Well- IUI #1 I had NONE on right, and 2 on left.  Plus- I did the trigger shot only 22 hours pre-IUI.  I was SO worried that I would ovulate before the IUI that I pushed it.  BUT- nearly all I read from people doing clomid-HCG trigger-IUI, they wait about 36, and I am scared to do that but- obviously pushing for it to be early didn’t work so I have to get out of my own damn way and just trust and believe.  I need lots of reminders to do that though. 

To all of my virtual friends still TTC, my hope for 2013 is that this is the year that you get your miracle(s), that the dream of being a Mommy is no longer a dream.  That the fear of never becoming a Mommy leaves you.  So- Baby Dust, Hope, Prayers, and Positivity to all of you.

Cheers~