About Tyler….

Who is Tyler… Tyler is one of my closest friends.  I love him like family.  I met Tyler at work, and I don’t think I have ever become as close to anyone is such a short time as I have him.  Tyler is a single, gay man.

We had discussed my dream of being a mom.  In fact, it is the only thing I feel I “NEED” to achieve in my life, and I am not at a place where I can be ok with not being a mom.  After one particularly hard day where I watched everyone fawn over my sister in laws sister who was pregnant , with her 4th child, I called Tyler, and said… that’s it, I can’t do it… I am going to get a sperm donor.  I don’t know how I will afford it, but I am just going to have to do it.  I can’t stand not being a mom.  I am getting to old.  On and on I went.  Tyler said “I’ll give ya my sperm”.  I think I laughed; assuming that there is no way that he was serious.  Only, maybe a few weeks later, when I was on another ‘feel sorry for myself rant about wanting a baby’, he said it again.  He asked me how I thought of insemination and using a sperm donor, etc.  I told him that a couple years ago I heard about and read by a single gal who like me wanted to be a mom and knew that she had to take matters into her own hands.  He asked to read it.  I gave it to him and a day later he told me that he read part of it and agreed to think about it seriously.  That led to further discussions and he said that he would do it.  He said that it is the biggest gift you can give someone, the chance to create a life, and he would hope that someday, someone would be willing to do the same for him.

My friendship with Tyler obviously extends from us being coworkers.  Actually, we barely get to even talk much at work, unless it is about work.

I can talk to Tyler about anything.  I am a pretty shy person.  Especially about certain things, and it is odd because it wasn’t a conscious thing, my confiding things in Tyler, I just realized it one day, I think I had been talking to him about tracking CM (cerv. Mucus) for fertility tracking- and it hit me… I really do talk to him about anything.  As I have said, Tyler is part of my family; I actually fight with him like I fight with my brothers.  Or, like we are an old married couple.

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Contradictions in thought……

So…. here is where I am at today.  It has been advised to me that I attempt to “visualize” what I want, in this case- that my last insemination worked.  Actually imagine it working, playing out the details, and in doing that–having no doubt, just the pure belief that it worked.  On the other hand, in doing that, am I setting myself up for a huge crash if it didn’t work?  So, how do you both try to be positive and have no doubt, but also, be prepared that it may not have worked and focus on the next steps?

I have yet to figure out the answer to this and don’t hold out much hope that I ever will.  However, just considering which route to go; isn’t that doubt in itself?

Today is CD 23.  I inseminated on CD 15 which was January 17th.  So I have about 5-6 days to go before I find out if this worked which means I am in the heart of the 2 week wait crazies.  My mood has been surprisingly good so I am holding on to that for now.

Here I go….

After reading some wonderfully written blogs I finally quit procrastinating and start my own.  I figure even if no one ever reads it- it is a way for me to process my thoughts.

So…who am I?  I am a 38 year old, single, TTC.  That really says it all because right now TTC IS my world!  I have wanted to be a Mom my entire life.  I didn’t “forget” to find time to have a baby, and I didn’t wake up one day and decide I wanted to.  I have always known, always.  But, I didn’t realize that I ‘could’ do it, well, I haven’t succeeded yet- but that I could “try”.  Which is the phase I am in now.

I am using donor sperm from a known donor, a wonderful friend of mine who agreed to do this for me.  I am, for now, self inseminating.  I will be adding more about my journey so far but I wanted to start out by giving a mini intro…

The name of my blog:  I don’t really have to explain the meaning but… “Trying to stay sane, trying to conceive”.  That one sentence is where I am at in life.  So, welcome to my blog- my streams of thought processed into words!