Now starting fertility meds…. a valid excuse to be crazy

I officially have entered the medication phase of this fertility “stuff”….

This cycle-

 Clomid, days 3-7 (Start 3/27)….

Follicle Ultrasound day 12 (4/5)

HCG Trigger…..

I have no idea what to expect….but I have decided to ****Try**** not to read the accompanying information (side effects) on the meds.  I am so thankful for Tyler and my FT ladies because this process is even harder when you have no one to talk to about it.

Funny story, although I don’t think all involved will classify it as “funny”.  I have told my boss, who has become a friend about my home inseminations, and that I am using a donor, a known donor.  I truly thought she had figured out that Tyler is the donor.  (FYI- Tyler works with me if I have not mentioned that before).  So, I was just talking, ranting, going nuts processing all of this with her the other day and she said…”who is your donor” .  I said “I think you know”, and in all sincerity thought she did.  She looked at me for what felt like a long moment and said “well I do now”.  Her face in that moment though- it was classic.  Shortly after this conversation-  Tyler and I were taking a dinner break and I felt guilty for telling without asking his permission first and I was thinking of how to tell him and I pictured my bosses face and got the giggles.  I admitted to him what I had done.  He was surprised but promises me he is not mad.  But- the funny part is that like 10  minutes after my boss comes into the office we were eating in, expecting just me to be inside and she see’s Tyler and just stops- and says “Ohhh, crap.. I forgot what I wanted”.  The awkward factor cannot be stressed enough.  Not for me- but for her- and poor Tyler.  Since then I swear, many comments have been made- not about that or related to it but those moments where you just know someone wants to say something but isn’t brave enough to actually do it. 

I spent the last hour googling HCG trigger shots- trying to find out the names of meds so I can look up at least the basic info so I know what med it is and I am finding all sorts of other meds available for fertility I didn’t know existed.  I have a very love-hate relationship with google!





Activate: CraZy ToWn (part 4)

Spring is here, and here I am with another BFN!  In the infertility world, it seems as though alot of women have an obsession with POAS.  I have not really had that.  To me, I think holding on to that last shred of hope helped.  But….yesterday, I couldn’t take it anymore.  I was 1-2 days late, I did have some cramps off and on but not ‘bad’.  It wiggled into my brain that maybe, j-u-s-t mmmmaaaayyyyybbbe that last insemination worked.  Funny thing is, right after I noticed spotting.  An hour after the test- it was here. 

The logical part of my brain is attempting to remind myself that not getting a positive after only 4 times is not that bad of a sign.  For it to have worked in one of those first 4 times it would have been ‘lucky’.  But- my heart is screaming at my brain “It’s not fair”.  All these people just getting pregnant, – that don’t even want to be pregnant.  Yet, here I am, charting and tracking every little symptom, every phase of the month, visualizing it all working, trying to be positive- and wanting to be a mom so bad that it literally physically hurts my heart…………. 

I know what I should do to stop myself from sinking into that “black hole”, but right now it seems alot easier to just let myself become numb.

Plan C cancelled

My last appt with my GYN did seem to good to be true so I actually wasn’t that surprised when my GYN called me herself and told me the next day that after I left she was completing the paperwork for the IUI, and found out the hospital clinic that does the IUI’s for the clinic my GYN works at- requires you to be legally married in order to use a known donor.  No way around it whatsoever according to my GYN.  That doesn’t mean I wasn’t really disapointed though.  I was SO close to having a good shot at getting pregnant with this I felt. 

So- now here I am back at square 1.  I am 12 days post home insem #4 right now.  Not feeling so optimistic that the last one worked but still have not given up hope that it might have.

All I know is that if I keep moving on with plan d, e, f, etc. – if I make it to plan Z with no baby I really think my mind will just explode and disintegrate. 🙂

Preparing for plan C..

So…. after my GYN appt today to discuss the results of the hsg that didn’t work…. I expected her to say she would not proceed with a plan until I re-do the hsg….however, she did not.  She is willing to try a 3 month cycle of clomid- and IUI.  I signed the IUI consent and got directions.  So, if this last home insem (currently 6 days post home insem #4) did not work, then- my next cylce I start 50mg of clomid days 3-7.. start testing with OPK’s, and when I get my first positive surge- call this clinic and tell them and they will set me up for IUI the next morning!  I am so excited b/c, I had put IUI off for a number of reasons- cost playing a factor in all of those reasons.  However, using my GYN rather then an RE might actually help this work so I can not have to up front pay my portion of this before the IUI. And, bring my “sample” from “Tyler” with me the morning of IUI so they can test the counts and prepare it for insemination. My GYN anticipates a much higher chance of this working (IUI) then self insemination.  After asking me to explain the entire process of self insemination- starting with Tyler giving a sample she said she doubts any, or at least not many sperm are making it to the insemination alive.  She said IUI should double-triple my chances. 

I did get a mini lecture on health- as in- lose weight, stop smoking, lay off the caffeine….weight being the biggest.  Turns out that in the last 6 years of my history at this clinic I have gained over 70 pounds! YIKES!!  She said that she needs my word that I will start a healthy diet of 1200-1500 calories a day now- and then once pregnant- they wouldn’t want me to gain or lose weight- just maintain.  I know it is going to be hard but I asked her to tell me the reasoning behind it…. I had thought the main reason- or only reason for it- other then the “normal” health benefits of being a healthy weight- were that it can cause disruption of hormones that would stop ovulation- but she gave me a list of things it can compromise in trying to get pregnant, not to mention problems it can cause if I am pregnant.  She told me that if I could lose 25 pounds it would significantly improve my chances and my health.  So- I am going to try really hard to put this into place and do it and stick to it. 

Pregnant people everywhere….

I think it is Murphy’s Law- when your trying to conceive you see that a pregnant person (or persons-plural) exist(s) in every area of your life.  That or I am just noticing it more now.  Lately I have been told of pregnancy’s it seems multiple times.  I am of course happy for these people- but it is so incredibly hard to share the joy with them when I so badly am afraid I won’t get to ever experience the joy of being the one announcing my pregnancy. 

Add to that when I talk about wanting to be a mom, people inevitably say…. but ohhh, your so lucky you are single, and without kids, you have your freedom, and etc. etc.  If they only knew that I would trade in all of that for being a mom.

I am not sure if I feel like the last insem ‘took’ or not.  I go back and forth.  I think that it is something I have wanted for so long, and so deeply in my heart that the thought that it could happen is so far removed that I can’t wrap my head around the idea that it could work. 

So, today I am trying to be grateful for what I do have…. A wonderful family that are not just family but also my friends.  Friends who I love like family. And, with that trying to remember it is not the quantity of friends I have but the quality of the friendships.  And, I am lucky that so far all my fertility testing has come out ‘normal’.  I very easily could have been told that my egg reserve was low or gone- but, all my day 3 labs show that I should be able to conceive. 

Insem # 4

Well….. unmedicated home insemination #4 was done on 3/8/12.  I had a really good feeling about it at first.  I have read soooooo much on doing home insems, in an attempt to do a better job…. but- really- it is all luck as to if it works.  I am trying to stay positive- and remind myself that doing it the way I am- compared to the ‘natural’ way so to speak….  I mean- if you have a couple and they are TTC, they can ‘try’ many times during the “fertile window”, which in reality- that window is very small but given the fact that sperm can live up to 6 days once inside- if the environment is hospitable- so it would make sense- the more you ‘try’, the more chances you have of one sperm breaking through the egg- where as the way I am doing it- I have to pick the one day that I think is closest to ovulation, but not past ovulation- and hope that I picked the right day. 

Granted, all it could take is one time- but giving myself much less chance by having only one time would make sense that it could take me longer.  In reality- I have only done this 4 cycles- including this last one.  Anyhow, so, I am trying to stay positive and remind myself  of all of this.

My best friend, (Tyler, my known donor), has told me that he believes in – if you visualize it working and really believe that it is going to work- not that it might work, but that it WILL work– it could improve the chances of my becoming pregnant.  The problem I have with this is that- if I do that- or try to do that- and it doesn’t work- won’t I be more devastated?  When I told him this- he said that – thinking like that alone- is in contrast to the thinking positive.  So, what I am really trying hard to do is- visualizing that I will be pregnant- maybe not this specific cycle- but that without a doubt I will end up as a mom- it is just a matter of when. 

Poor Tyler gets put through the ringer because I unleash all my crazy on him.  I decided go to a Reproductive Health Therapist and not surprisingly, he is very much in support of this. 

But- here I am in the dreaded two week wait….  but hopefully with the mindset like the little train that could, or is it the little engine that could?? ( I think I can, I think I can,….)



Ok, so I finally went for the HSG….. to be told I have to re-do it!  I admit I did way to much online reading about this.  However, I saw more reports that it was just ‘uncomfortable’ rather then painful/unbearable.  Still, I was pretty worked up about it.  My gyn had prescribed me a small dose of ativan to take prior. 

The tech was great, very sympathetic, supportive, etc.  She explained the whole process.  Then the gyn came in (not my gyn, as they don’t do HSG’s at my clinic location) and briefly went over what would happen.  I had read about a clamp being used to hold the cervix in place so I asked about it…she just said “yahhh…” and I said- does it hurt (knowing that something called a clamp going inside would not be pleasant but hoping for something like ””ohhh, it’s not really a clamp, we just call it that….””’ but what she said was “well…it’s not pleasant…”.  Ok, so I thought- still… I can do this, I can do this… etc.  So- she starts placing the instruments and although the speculum hurt I knew it would come out before the dye went in so it would be only brief… then she placed the tubing, clamp etc.  The pain was almost unbearable, even after the speculum came out.  It wasn’t the crampy feeling that I couldn’t take… it was a pinching and muscle spasms where all the instruments were.  Just when I thought I couldn’t take it anymore the radiologist came in and told the gyn to push the dye through.  I had to move a little to be placed under the actual xray thingy caused this pressure- and increased spasming and jolts of pain and I had to be reminded to keep breathing… All I could think was- Ok, almost done almost done.  Then I hear the radiologist tell the gyn that the dye wasn’t actually getting into the uterus enough- it was spilling out.  He told her to go ahead and push the rest through anyway.  Then I heard him say that  he wasn’t able to get results b/c it had leaked out- so the dye never made it even near the tubes to see if it would flow through.  Basically they said they would have to take out all instruments and re-place them and start over.  I couldn’t do it.  I mean, even skooching on the table was horrible pain- because it moved the instruments- so I said- I can’t do this all again now- sorry.  I kept apologizing over and over and then realized this is not my fault- that the dye was leaking out.  I am not sure but I think that the tube connected to the ampula or something must have been loose because it wouldn’t allow enough pressure and enough dye to fill the uterus to come close to the tubes…..  I was soooo frustrated because, I had actually gotten through the entire thing- I was done- or would have been.  In retrospect I now wish I had just let them re-do it right then rather then having to reschedule it and have to wait another cycle….  The plan was likely for me to start ovarian stim meds my next cycle- but due to side effects- she wanted the hsg first.  URGH. 

I have an appt for next week with my gyn to discuss all this.  I am really hoping that she will just start the meds without making me endure this again.  I had a laparoscopy done in 2001 for endometriosis- and since then I have had no problems at all with endometriosis, but at that time the operative report said that my uterus was normal size/shape, etc.  although retroflexed- and both fallopian tubes were clear/open.  Matter of fact, the RE I saw before coming to this gyn told me he didn’t feel it necessary at all to even do an hsg. 

I have looked up online hoping to find some tests that give the same results but is not an HSG… no such luck so far. 

So… in the mean time, I am currently CD 11-11.5 and plan to do a home insem this cycle and- well ultimately- if it would work and I won’t have to deal with the rest of this.