So…. another negative. I want SO badly to be able to just say- “ok, this one didn’t work, let’s move on to the next step” but I can’t. Instead I am thinking: “what if this never works” “will I be broken hearted forever” “I’m all alone” “why is this so hard when other people, people who aren’t even trying get pregnant, yet me, who wants to be a mom more then I want anything- can’t”. I guess I should have known going into this that doing it alone makes it all the harder. Add to that – that I am a miserable wretch to be around lately- pushed those I did have away- and so now theres no one to hug me and say- ‘it’s gonna be ok’…. Not that it would make everything better- but it would just make me not feel so alone. And, who can even blame anyone- why would anyone want to be there for someone who is moody, hormonal, and basically a total bore to be around!!
I’m trying hard to think of the next step, and of ways to be a — well- to at least not be so miserable no one wants to be around me. In this TTC world- you just get so involved in it and so all consuming that when you take a breath and stand away from it- you see eveyone going about there lives- and you want to say- wait- don’t forget about me… I’m still here…
Ok- I think I am making myself feel worse. (LOL) So- what is the next step- well- I believe I found a place that will do the insemination (IUI) for me, without all of the problems I have run into at other places- with an order from my GYN. So, I am trying to get in to see her asap but the soonest they said was May 9th- which isn’t ok- that would put me out another cylcle- and so I sent a message to my GYN explaining why I need to see her and begging to get in soon. At least if I am able to do this- IUI puts the sperm already in my uterus which in itself increases the chances considerably- maybe by as much as 3 times!! Plus, they would test the sperm for count and motility.
I feel awful, Tyler has started to wonder if his sperm isn’t viable- or the count isn’t high enough- and although anything is possible I suppose- I am almost positive his swimmers are just fine- he is young and healthy! I think doing the self insem- first- even with medications- I have only one chance- and if I don’t time it perfectly- it just isn’t going to work. Plus- although people do get pregnant doing self inseminations- some of the sperm are I am sure not making it even to insemination- b/c- they are being transported- where when you have normal intercourse- the entire ‘amount’ is being inserted so to speak- but- the weaker sperm- they aren’t going to make it through the process of being transported. So- you take someone who is TTC- doing it the ‘natural’ way- and they can try many times over the fertile period- so- they are having sperm from different ‘occasions’ waiting for the egg-, the healthiest of each time- so when I think logically- I think- they say for 2 normal healthy people- TTC-it can take a year even if everything is happening correctly. If your doing it this way- you have one try and not everything going for you right off the bat- so odds are that if it didn’t take after 5 try’s- it doesn’t mean it’s not going to- it just means it hasn’t yet. My logical self understands this- but- add to that my fear that Tyler is wanting to change his mind- and/or that I am afraid this process will push him away altogether- …. Tyler has become my best friend. That one person that you want to tell things to – to make them feel real. Even small insignificant things. I love Tyler like family. And, I am so proud of him- and happy for him- he is in a relationship that has real potential- and he seems genuinally happy. Between my asking if he changed his mind- or asking if I am no longer his “person”, his best friend- and then my moody-ness and sensitivity- I really worry that- that in itself is going to move me right out of his world..
Sorry to anyone who read this entire post- I know it is tangential and rambling. But- it is a perfect picture of the things constantly swimming through my mind!
So- here is to putting it behind me and being positive that it will work- this just wasn’t the right time!