Another day

IS HARD!! 

I so hope that one day in the not to distant future I will be able to look back on all of this and say- I am so glad that I went through this!  Today is CD9. Tuesday early morning is follie ultrasound -cd12.  Hope I have more then one egg that has a chance of being mature and healthy.  That phrase- about- the definition of insanity- doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  Is kindof where I am- but- in this case- I won’t stop trying, insanity or not. 🙂  (sigh)….

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GYN appointment Friday

I am so glad to have found my GYN.  After the last cylce ended with a BFN I requested an appt. so I could ask for an order for the IUI at the lab I believe, hope, want, wish, pray will do IUI without issues for me.  Unfortunately, soonest appt was May 9th.  I sent my GYN- Dr. S a message, asking to please fit me in sooner so I don’t ‘miss’ a cycle.  She called today and got me in Friday morning.  Friday is CD8 for me.  My hope is that at the appt. she will order the follicle tracking ultrasound, and orders for sperm count for Tyler and IUI for me. 

I usually don’t do the POAS thing.  Snce my cycles are so regular I have just got my period (AF) on time.  The one time I did POAS, I got my period within mintes. (bang head here….).  Then, this last cycle- my period was not “usual”.  I always have pretty bad cramps, the worst being day 1- so I have to take 800mg of advil 4 plus times a day- as much as every 3-4 hours sometimes, and day 2-3 not as much but- some.  This cycle was no pain.  I took advil when i first got it- in preparation- but- nada!  It was also really light- but more then spotting.  Since I am doing clomid again- I ended up being just a teeny weeny- itty bitty thinking- hmmm, what if?? So- I bought a HPT- it was a BFN as I expected.  But- all my focus is on this next cycle! 

TTC cylce 6/Medicated cycle 2

Ahhh, here I am again.  Can’t believe it has been a whole month since I started this last time.  Started the clomid Sunday 4/22.  Maybe I am creating the side effects but I have had some hot flashes- and have been so incredibly moody…. Hopefully this will be the last time I need to!

Keep on….

Ok so- after long hours of feeling sorry for myself, I was able to come to a place of feeling like it is time to making the absolute best out of my next cycle.  I am still heartbroken for blasto- the baby to be that wasn’t- but- for whatever reason, it wasn’t my time.   I requested an appt with Dr. S (GYN), soonest is May 9th- that doesn’t work. (so I sent a pleading message to her begging to see me sooner)  I am already CD2- and if I plan on achieving anything I need to see her- well- it’s already to late to try an all injectable cycle- so I have to stick with clomid and hcg trigger — I want to show her the paperwork from the place that I believe will prepare Tyler’s sperm for IUI and do the insemination.  I have all the consent forms printed, the order forms I need her to complete, the informational paperwork- all ready to go.  I have no doubts she will write the appropriate orders. 

Tyler is going on a vacation-(lucky…) but will not be gone at ovulation, and hopefully will not be gone when I need the trigger shot- b/c although when he did it- it didn’t really hurt- no way can I do it to myself.  So- best case scenario- I see Dr. S next week- get the hcg trigger, follicle tracking ultrasounds ordered, and she writes orders for the sperm testing (just a basic sperm count and motility), order for IUI prep of the sperm, and order for the IUI- and the place goes ahead without giving me issues like every other stupid place…and I get the IUI and fall pregnant.  I realize IUI is no guarantee- and especially the first one- timing may need to be perfected- and I personally think I need injectables- something to give me more then 3 follies- which likely only had one that made it to mature egg…. so best case- all the above- and it works-hooray!  next best case- it doesn’t work but for the next cycle I get injectables- it works- and gives me twins! Double Hooray!@!  Worse case- don’t get into the place next cycle- and do home insem #6….

I know it takes normal healthy people up to 12 months to get pregnant- before doctors will even do testing- and I also realize that my having just one try the entire cycle makes my chances even less- but – I guess I just think- it shouldn’t be this hard for someone who wants nothing more then to be a mom!

The only thing I know for sure is that giving up is not an option- by not keeping on- keeping on- I get zero chances of becoming a mom!

Again, thank you to those who are in my life that support me.  It is both an “im sorry- but thank you” type of statement!

Love yah!

~Sad~

So…. another negative.  I want SO badly to be able to just say- “ok, this one didn’t work, let’s move on to the next step” but I can’t.  Instead I am thinking: “what if this never works”  “will I be broken hearted forever” “I’m all alone” “why is this so hard when other people, people who aren’t even trying get pregnant, yet me, who wants to be a mom more then I want anything- can’t”.  I guess I should have known going into this that doing it alone makes it all the harder.  Add to that – that I am a miserable wretch to be around lately- pushed those I did have away- and so now theres no one to hug me and say- ‘it’s gonna be ok’…. Not that it would make everything better- but it would just make me not feel so alone.  And, who can even blame anyone- why would anyone want to be there for someone who is moody, hormonal, and basically a total bore to be around!!

I’m trying hard to think of the next step, and of ways to be a — well- to at least not be so miserable no one wants to be around me.  In this TTC world- you just get so involved in it and so all consuming that when you take a breath and stand away from it- you see eveyone going about there lives- and you want to say- wait- don’t forget about me… I’m still here…

Ok- I think I am making myself feel worse. (LOL) So- what is the next step- well- I believe I found a place that will do the insemination (IUI) for me, without all of the problems I have run into at other places- with an order from my GYN.  So, I am trying to get in to see her asap but the soonest they said was May 9th- which isn’t ok- that would put me out another cylcle- and so I sent a message to my GYN explaining why I need to see her and begging to get in soon.  At least if I am able to do this- IUI puts the sperm already in my uterus which in itself increases the chances considerably- maybe by as much as 3 times!!  Plus, they would test the sperm for count and motility. 

I feel awful, Tyler has started to wonder if his sperm isn’t viable- or the count isn’t high enough- and although anything is possible I suppose- I am almost positive his swimmers are just fine- he is young and healthy!  I think doing the self insem- first- even with medications- I have only one chance- and if I don’t time it perfectly- it just isn’t going to work.  Plus- although people do get pregnant doing self inseminations- some of the sperm are I am sure not making it even to insemination- b/c- they are being transported- where when you have normal intercourse- the entire ‘amount’ is being inserted so to speak- but- the weaker sperm- they aren’t going to make it through the process of being transported.  So- you take someone who is TTC- doing it the ‘natural’ way- and they can try many times over the fertile period- so- they are having sperm from different ‘occasions’ waiting for the egg-, the healthiest of each time- so when I think logically- I think- they say for 2 normal healthy people- TTC-it can take a year even if everything is happening correctly.  If your doing it this way- you have one try and not everything going for you right off the bat- so odds are that if it didn’t take after 5 try’s- it doesn’t mean it’s not going to- it just means it hasn’t yet.  My logical self understands this- but- add to that my fear that Tyler is wanting to change his mind- and/or that I am afraid this process will push him away altogether- ….  Tyler has become my best friend.  That one person that you want to tell things to – to make them feel real.  Even small insignificant things.  I love Tyler like family.  And, I am so proud of him- and happy for him- he is in a relationship that has real potential- and he seems genuinally happy.  Between my asking if he changed his mind- or asking if I am no longer his “person”, his best friend- and then my moody-ness and sensitivity- I really worry that- that in itself is going to move me right out of his world..

Sorry to anyone who read this entire post- I know it is tangential and rambling.  But- it is a perfect picture of the things constantly swimming through my mind! 

So- here is to putting it behind me and being positive that it will work- this just wasn’t the right time!

Cheers!!

Last few days of 2ww….

I am sending myself some baby-dust…. Today is 11 DPO (although it could be 12 DPO possibly)… My app says AF is due Friday…. Still have some cramps- but not as intense of ones as I had the other day- so I am trying hard to be positive and tell myself that what I felt the other day was very possibly implantation cramps.  My FT -Single Sister Ladies have told me that many of them had cramps during the 2ww and after- and they have gotten positives so…. I’m really hoping.

So… that (above) is what I am holding on to.  I have remained fairly positive this 2ww.  I am down to just a few days left and today- not sure why- I just feel “blue”.  Can’t really explain why- or know if I have a reason why.  I want this last cycle to work so bad.   

So, today, I am thankful for those in my life that care enough to support me- b/c sometimes -comforting myself just doesn’t cut it.