Not “really” me in this fertility (or lack of) dance….

It’s interesting to me that my views can so quickly shift.  At this moment, anytime I see a pregnant person, my heart squeezes so tight I have to look away.  My internal dialogue is along the lines of:  “if you only knew how good you have it, how easy you have it….why is this so hard for me….. why am I less deserving… I have so much love to give….. it’s not fair…what if I never….. will I want to even go on…. ” and on and on.  Yet, were I one of the lucky ones and pregnant, I truly believe that I would see a pregnant person and my internal dialogue would be: “Awwwhhh, how sweet… I wonder if she has the nursery ready yet……She looks about XX far along…. I wonder if she got pregnant right away, or had to work at it…oooohhh, wonder how much she spent- if she has infertility treatment coverage…ahhh, sweet little baby…”.    So… I was thinking that maybe the first is not really “me” at all…. maybe that bad vibed jealousy me is only a reaction to going through this- which would then mean I am not really that bad of a person (read—bitch) after all….  I am choosing to go with that!

Consult with the RE

Had my consult with the RE on Monday.  It went “okay”.  I had hoped to walk out feeling like the doctor had verbalized very high hopes for me, and with a plan to do absolutely everything possible to make the IUI work being that I have to save up for the DS (donor sperm).  I don’t really know what I expected…. On the 8 page questionaire/history I had to complete before going it asked “What are your expectations for this visit” and “What  questions do you want answered at this visit”.  I had the hardest time answering those questions.  I think because I have so many expectations and questions that I didn’t know where to begin with it all.  After alot of thought I eventually wrote….. to get an idea of my chances of success, and to have a plan in place.  Questions…. pretty much same thing- and I wanted to discuss injectables vs. oral fertility meds. 

The RE herself is very nice.  I felt like she ‘wouldn’t mind’ helping me.  I think I was extremely lucky to have found my GYN, who I felt- and whom stated that she will do everything she can to help me get pregnant.  And, her actions and words showed me that was the truth.  The RE…. I didn’t get the feeling she cared all that much…it was just another patient, just another protocol. 

After discussing my recent TTC history I told her that I would like to start on injectables for the IUI cycle I am planning for, to give myself the best possible chance.  Her reply (in a deadpan tone/facial expression): What… you want to be like Nadia Suleman?…. I sat there trying to process her statement and then said something to the effect of….. I have a hard time believing I can get one to fertilize and implant…. you think injectables puts me at to high a risk for high order multiples?  Her reply was simply “yes”.  She did go on to explain that she rarely uses injectables with IUI with any patients because the risk is just to high.  I wish she had personalized her reasons a bit more though.  I know that tests indicate I do ovulate on my own, and the 2 cycles of clomid I did do- (50mg) produced more then one follicle large enough to likely produce an egg.  She said that they look for follicles at 15mm and bigger and assume that each of that size will produce an egg.  My thought was- if at my age they assume that only a certain percentage of eggs released are viable- then what makes her think injectables would produce to many viable eggs…..  Because she definately spent alot of time giving me statistics, which I do understand she probably has to do…. but- when a person goes to an RE (and I had already told her that I have felt judged and had not great experiences finding a doctor to help me TTC) they usually are at a point of either having a lot of hope or very little- and it doesn’t take a scientist to see who is where.. 

But-bottom line- I did walk out with a plan.  I have to do some things before:

1. I am currently on zoloft- have been for 6 years or so.  She said zoloft has shown recent studies of being related to birth defects if taken in pregnancy, the risk in her mind is to high and she wants me to get it switched to a different medication- and a letter from that doctor stating it is done.

2.  Records from my laparoscopies over 10 years ago.

3.  AMH lab results

Then – the first cylce following all of that (my hope is my next cylce- if I can save the $ for the DS)- I call for a day 1 -3 baseline ultrasound. Something that hasn’t been done yet- and it sounds really gross which I asked about and the nurse said- it is gross for the patient but not the nurse doing it- as we do it all the time.  Start clomid 50mg day 3-7.  Come in for a day 12 follicle ultrasound, and start luteal phase support (Progesterone)- also something I haven’t done.  And, HCG trigger shot and then IUI. 

Her ending remark was- I will see you back if you have 3 IUI cycles that are unsuccessful.  That bothered me- I realize the nurses do the IUI- and monitoring- but- if the one I am planning for doesn’t result in pregnancy- I would like to try a different protocol and would need to talk to her about that.  I can’t afford to do 3 cycles- the same way- and not have them work.  I am focusing on the fact that there is no reason to believe that it won’t work.  That- I would have a decent chance even doing a natural (un-medicated) IUI cycle, and am doing medicated to up my chances. 

So…. I guess that is that.  In the meantime- I can’t just not do anything this cycle.  And, who knows- I could end up getting lucky and getting my miracle before even getting to the IUI point- wouldn’t that be wonderful?

yet another bfn….keeping the faith

Another cycle resulting in nothing!!  As sad as it is, and as much as my heart hurts I am trying very hard to have faith and believe that my time will come.  I am trying to realistically look at the facts, and although, my age is technically considered “advanced maternal age”, all of my tests have indicated that I have a healthy ovarian reserve and my hormones are where they should be.  So, those are all good signs, and would indicate that I should respond to ovarian stimulation and IUI.  When my mind starts going to the dark place I commit to try and have faith!

RE Appointment Monday

This cycle is not yet a total loss but pretty much.  I started spotting which is typical within a few hours before up to a day before my period. I am crushed despite not having much hope in the cycle.

BUT: I have an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist Monday morning (5/21).  My hope is that this doctor will be as nice as the GYN, but will be able to take me to the next level- which is injectables and IUI giving me at least double if not triple the chance I have had.  So…. if my period continues as I suspect it will, I am trying hard not to get lost in the “not-got’s” and focus on what the future might hold for me!

I just may need to keep being reminded of that!

Bitter-Sweet Day

 My entire life, since the age of being able to know what I wanted “when I grow up”, I always just assumed that by this point I would be a mother– a couple times over at that.  I had the whole image, of doing the picture of the generations- of mine and my brothers’ children all playing together as we arranged a barbecue to celebrate the day.  Of my helping my children pick out mothers day gifts for grandma.  It never occured to me that I could be here child-less. 

So, how does one cope with that?  That is the answer I try and deal with on a daily basis- I think it is a question without an answer. 

Of course I am happy for and celebrate those I know who are mothers.  But- my need to be a mom feels so much bigger then that it is a surprise to me that I am able to plaster on a smile and ‘do the day’. 

I am very blessed in that my mother is a wonderful, amazing woman.  I only aspire to take on her traits!!  Watching her mother me and my brothers —–is a large part of where my need to be a mom comes from.  A need that I don’t believe can be fulfilled in any other way. 

My prayer is that next year this time- I either have a little one or am growing a little one inside of me.  For all of us trying to conceive, as much as we want to celebrate our own mothers- and do– this day is bitter-sweet b/c – at least for me- I feel like there is “something wrong with me” that I am not a mother.  I avoid any place that makes it more apparent. 

So- here is to my mother- who is also my friend!  And, here is to this next year brining me closer to the image of what this day would and should look like for me.

If only I knew what the future holds for me….

If only I knew the future…..  I think it is much easier to deal with things if you somehow just ‘know’ that your future will include the things most important to you.  I went to my brother hockey tournament game this morning and my sister in law told me that her sister is pregnant.  Apparently 26 weeks already and everyone just assumed I had already knew.  I try so hard not to let it show that I am so jealous that I can barely stand it.  I do a fairly decent job at times actually- I smiled and said ‘that’s wonderful!”.  A bit later, still at the game, my other brother was sitting near me and I said- hey- did you know XXXX is pregnant?  He said- “yah”.  I said oh…. then after a bit I said “I’m so jealous…. ”  His reply:  “yup—babies everywhere”.  He said it so casually and I thought- WTF!! Really?? Just- babies everywhere!  So I said- I know….. then I decided to say more and I said- This is the only- ONLY thing I want in the whole world.  I received no further replies. 

On the one hand, of course my family is aware how much I want to be a mom.  On the other hand, other than some very pre-determined casually said statements on my behalf- made to look like my ttc efforts will all be sometime in the future- to gauge a response, no one in my family has any clue that I have spent the last several months doing nothing but thinking about, reading about, researching, going to doctors, taking fertility drugs, etc.

It sucks to not be able to change your wants/needs in life.  I have said before- and I maintain- I would love NOT to want this but I do down to my very core and that is not going to change!

Ultrasound results

I finally got the official ultrasound results.  My GYN had told me she was “very happy” with the results, including the lining- calling it ‘great’, however, I think it is not so great….Here are the results copied and pasted:

Day 12 of the menstrual cycle.

The endometrium is trilaminar in appearance.
Endometrial thickness is 7.5 mm.

No free fluid is noted in pelvis.

Right ovary contains 2 dominant follicles measuring 28.5 and 20.6 mm.

There are greater than 10 subcentimeter follicles.

Left ovary contains a dominant follicle measuring 10.8 mm.
There are greater than 10 subcentimeter follicles.

Today is CD21.  I am still not feeling anything either way….having some twinges/minor cramps.  Could be PMS, or implantation.  I am trying to stay neutral but then I will walk by one of my pregnant coworkers or see a baby and the want/need to get my miracle takes over.