Friendships changing and kidney stones….

In the spirit of trying to be positive, just maybe it is a good thing that I have not gotten my bfp as of yet. 

I skipped last month of TTC (Self insemination) and this month/cycle I intended to do my first IUI, but it was delayed due to my CMV coming up positive/reactive.  So, I planned to do a self insemination this cycle.  Technically, I should have done it Tuesday or Wednesday, so I now have missed 2 months in a row!  This last one was in part me, and in part Tyler.  I had asked him last week if he would be ok with helping me out, he asked when and I said I would let him know.  He never brought it up again which had me assume that he did not want to.  Lately my friendship with T has not been ‘the same’.  I have talked to him about it but he says it’s me.  I maintain that he hasn’t been acting the same, like I am no longer an important friend to him.  I don’t know how to explain it to him though when he asks me why I feel this way.  All I know is it breaks my heart.  Because, to me, he is my ‘person’.  The friend that you go to to tell things to- to make them feel real.  The friend you know will give you honest feedback regardless if you want to hear it.  The friend that will tell you if you need to pull it together. The friend you know would notice if something wasn’t right- without you having to say it first. 

I don’t have a big circle of friends, so, for me to trust someone to be that type of friend is a big deal, and to feel like you have lost it is sad.  So, I tried to pull back a little, to protect myself I guess, which made the whole thing seem more real. 

I don’t know what to do though.  I know that if a friend is a true friend- things will work out how they are meant to.  I can’t control it.  But- in the mean time it is hard- especially when things in my life seem so crazy to me right now.  I said in an earlier post a while back- it’s like- just needing someone to say “it’s gonna be ok cary…”- without me having to say I need to hear that. 

So…. partly due to that- I never brought up when the time would be when I would need a sample…. But- in truth also because I have felt like crap.  I have had UTI’s before, and I use to always know when I had one.  Last time I thought I did I was wrong.  So, this time I waited a while to go in- while downing ibuprofen like it was skittles.  But- the last couple days just had me feeling so shitty that I went to urgent care yesterday.  I don’t have a UTI.  But- I have blood in my urine.  WTF?  I am wrong AGAIN?!  I thought for sure I had a bladder infection- actually- my side/back has hurt so much that I thought it was turning to a kidney infection.  I expected to hear from urgent care- you shouldn’t have waited so long- of course it’s a bladder infection- bla bla bla bla….  But- b/c of my symptoms and the blood an xray was done and I have kidney stones!  Crazy to me b/c I have never had that before- I never would have thought that is what it was.  It does explain why I have felt like crap however.  So- in regards to skipping 2 months of trying to get pregnant- between the active alleged CMV and feeling like shit from kidney stones- maybe it is a good thing I didn’t get pregnant- so I can get this out of the way- be healthy when I do end up pregnant.  Doesn’t mean I don’t feel bad that I am not pregnant- but it is helping me be ok with it at least.

So- what do I do about all this?  I have no f**** idea.  But- what I decided is to try to be a good friend, and hope that- that will show and maybe I am wrong and it really is me that created all this- and things are just fine.  And, health wise- force to be healthy- which will I hope and pray- help me become pregnant! 

Wish things could be easy though…. But- nothing that has worth is easy! 

Plans…..

SO.,,..trying to make a plan, so I don’t stay in this holding pattern for to long, feeling sorry for myself and not doing anything about it.  So… what is my plan…

1.  Cut down on smoking

2.  cut down on caffiene

3.  Add more water

4.  RE-start the folic acid and vitamin B

5.  REschedule for repeat CMV labs

6. Do a home insem this month while I wait to get the cmv all clear for my iui

7. get things prepared for iui so I am ready

8.  quit eating the shit food.  Which- unfortunately for me means changing everything.

9.  Finally, have a positive, this will happen attitude- instead of “what if it never happens, look at how easy everyone else has it… can’t stand to be around those who do have it…..bitter….mad…losing my mind a little….

No problem right! !  It’s not going to be easy but if the ultimate goal is for me to get pregnant and have a healthy child- the above are not so much- just want to change and be healthy- but instead- I have to do that to get what I want! 

Awesome Childrens Book for Children of DI, SMC….

http://www.nanstories.com/

On a local talk radio station, I listened to an interview of a local author, Mary E. Ryan.  I was only half listening as I drove, until I heard what the book was actually about.  The brief version is:  Mary’s sister is a SMC (Single Mother by Choice), and I believe used DI to create her beautiful daughter Nan, who the story is about.  At Nan’s school they had “Donuts with Dad Day”, and Nan struggled being she didn’t have a Dad.  Her class-mates made some comments about her not being allowed to go since she doesn’t have a Dad…. The book is about how Nan’s Mom deals with this, so Nan knows she is loved and every bit as important as every other child. 

There are not many books, specifically Children’s books out that deal with this type of thing.  I am going to get this book so, when (positive thinking, not if, but when…..) I have my future Child(ren), I have this book for them.  I am not someone who usually links to, or promotes anything, even forwards on email- I rarely read them, never forward them.  This struck me though- and I thought that since this blog is about my journey trying to become a mommy as a single lady, it is very fitting!. 

The link above is the website- it has the book information on the site! 

Ann

WTF!~!~~!

Ok…. So….I am honestly, ok- I ‘was’ honestly trying to be positive, not have a crappy attitude and look toward what ‘could hopefully’ be someday in the not to far future.  But- today is not going to be that day. 

I totally get that everyone has parts of life where they feel, rightfully so- that things are just to hard, that others have it so much easier, and if only……  That is life! Deal with it, right?!  Except, sometimes- it seems like the shit just keeps on piling on. 

Hearing that someone you care about is pregnant should be great, exciting, happy news-right?!  That, the very first month they tried, they got the positive- that’s excellent- and it’s a miracle- and it should not be hard to feel genuine happy-ness.  Only it is! 

Let me go back- I am genuinally happy for this person.  Truly I am.  BUT- I can’t help it- my brain inside is literally screaming- are you fucking kidding me?  Your first time trying!  What the hell!! 

This person is one of the very few- well, of people who know me in the face to face world- one of 2 people who know my TTC journey.  I have many virtual friends who know, and who without I don’t think I would be functioning- I might just be in the fetal position on the floor kicking and screaming….  So- after I was told- this person came up to me a short while later and asked if this will make me not want to be around, talk to her about… etc… b/c as she said- she knows that I can barely stand to be in the same room as a pregnant person lately.  Of course I smiled and said- of course not- don’t be crazy!  And I mean that. 

But today, and I don’t know- maybe tomorrow too- inside I am just screaming! Until I am able to gain perspective.

aaah, it felt good to actually write that.  For anyone who may have read this whole post- I apologize for the negativeness~!

Cheers!

Lonely days

I am going to blame it on PMS, because, I am choosing to believe that this will pass quickly and has only come on because of hormones.  If only all of life were so easy, right~?!

Feeling lonely, and sad is obviously an awful way to feel.  I know that it passes, and as I said above, I am blaming it on PMS for the moment.  But, the last few days, I have been thinking about it because I have wanted to talk about it with someone who might say- It’s ok, your not alone…. or something to that effect, but, I realized that, I don’t really have anyone.  So, my mind starts chugging along with all the reasons why and what I came up with is that, since starting this journey of TTC I have really pushed myself further inward.  That sentence probably doesn’t make sense to anyone but me…but, I guess I mean just being hyperfocused on the goal.  In that process maybe I pushed those I had – away. 

Then I think, well, I have had a big loss in my life recently, maybe PMS is making that harder to deal with at the time, and I am starting to get into the “p0or me” mode.  I don’t- I repeat- I don’t! want to have that attitude.  It sucks, it’s whiney, and certainly doesn’t make me someone anyone would care to be around.  Last night I went back and forth-between that- and … well- fu**that, why can’t I feel sorry for myself.  I have a right to feel lonely.  I have a right to be moody…..  but- what does having those moods do for me?- not a damn thing. 

So, right now I feel sad.  I feel like I don’t have anyone that I am important enough to – that would be able to say- “it’s gonna be ok cary….” without my having to say I need to hear that.  But- I commit to letting that “feeling” flow through me, kindof like PMS- it’s here, it sucks, but then it’s gone and things go back to whatever ‘normal’ is. 

CMV—what????

I had never heard of CMV (Cytomegalovirus) until I started this TTC journey.  I was tested for it by the 1st RE I saw, the one I never returned to.  Got a call from the nurse that said I am CMV positive, and showing as active infection.  Told to return in a month.  I never went back, never thought much more of it.  That was last September.  This new RE I consulted with on May 21st, I mentioned the CMV positive test I had, she ordered labs for another CMV test.  Got a voicemail yesterday from the nurse saying that my test was positive, and showing I am active.  How can I still be active, or- have re- activated?  I just don’t get it.  I was seeing my doctor, unreleated to fertility/TTC but I mentioned it and he too thought it a bit strange.  He said not to worry, it’s just another form of mono- albeit a lesser form. 

I was told to return for labs in 4 weeks.  I was planning to have my IUI my next cycle which starts in less then 2 weeks, so apparently that is out.  I am glad they are being pro-active, I mean, I obviously don’t want any risk to my future unborn child(ren).  And, I can save more money but- I am afraid- what if I continue to show positive- is that even possible? 

So, right now am in a holding pattern I guess.  I missed doing a home insemination this last ovulation last week.  I have had a really sad last few days and am just trying to breathe right now.