In the spirit of trying to be positive, just maybe it is a good thing that I have not gotten my bfp as of yet.
I skipped last month of TTC (Self insemination) and this month/cycle I intended to do my first IUI, but it was delayed due to my CMV coming up positive/reactive. So, I planned to do a self insemination this cycle. Technically, I should have done it Tuesday or Wednesday, so I now have missed 2 months in a row! This last one was in part me, and in part Tyler. I had asked him last week if he would be ok with helping me out, he asked when and I said I would let him know. He never brought it up again which had me assume that he did not want to. Lately my friendship with T has not been ‘the same’. I have talked to him about it but he says it’s me. I maintain that he hasn’t been acting the same, like I am no longer an important friend to him. I don’t know how to explain it to him though when he asks me why I feel this way. All I know is it breaks my heart. Because, to me, he is my ‘person’. The friend that you go to to tell things to- to make them feel real. The friend you know will give you honest feedback regardless if you want to hear it. The friend that will tell you if you need to pull it together. The friend you know would notice if something wasn’t right- without you having to say it first.
I don’t have a big circle of friends, so, for me to trust someone to be that type of friend is a big deal, and to feel like you have lost it is sad. So, I tried to pull back a little, to protect myself I guess, which made the whole thing seem more real.
I don’t know what to do though. I know that if a friend is a true friend- things will work out how they are meant to. I can’t control it. But- in the mean time it is hard- especially when things in my life seem so crazy to me right now. I said in an earlier post a while back- it’s like- just needing someone to say “it’s gonna be ok cary…”- without me having to say I need to hear that.
So…. partly due to that- I never brought up when the time would be when I would need a sample…. But- in truth also because I have felt like crap. I have had UTI’s before, and I use to always know when I had one. Last time I thought I did I was wrong. So, this time I waited a while to go in- while downing ibuprofen like it was skittles. But- the last couple days just had me feeling so shitty that I went to urgent care yesterday. I don’t have a UTI. But- I have blood in my urine. WTF? I am wrong AGAIN?! I thought for sure I had a bladder infection- actually- my side/back has hurt so much that I thought it was turning to a kidney infection. I expected to hear from urgent care- you shouldn’t have waited so long- of course it’s a bladder infection- bla bla bla bla…. But- b/c of my symptoms and the blood an xray was done and I have kidney stones! Crazy to me b/c I have never had that before- I never would have thought that is what it was. It does explain why I have felt like crap however. So- in regards to skipping 2 months of trying to get pregnant- between the active alleged CMV and feeling like shit from kidney stones- maybe it is a good thing I didn’t get pregnant- so I can get this out of the way- be healthy when I do end up pregnant. Doesn’t mean I don’t feel bad that I am not pregnant- but it is helping me be ok with it at least.
So- what do I do about all this? I have no f**** idea. But- what I decided is to try to be a good friend, and hope that- that will show and maybe I am wrong and it really is me that created all this- and things are just fine. And, health wise- force to be healthy- which will I hope and pray- help me become pregnant!
Wish things could be easy though…. But- nothing that has worth is easy!