For the past month or so, I have not written on this blog, or checked any blogs, including FT-Single Sisters.  It started out that I was just so busy I was having trouble finding the time, but then I started realizing that I am pretty much the last one on FT-S.S. to not get the bfp.  And, I thought…. what would I even blog- the same old shit?  Who would want to read that, time is just slipping by, and I am slipping away with it.   SO>>>>>>>>>>>one might ask- well- what has changed then?  I really wish I had a great answer, something along the lines of, I had the iui and it worked, or, I am now just this planet of positivity… but- no, it is neither of those.  I am the same.  I just need to start focusing more on going for it.  I could have had my first iui done last month, and the reasons that it didn’t happen are ridiculous.  I couldn’t find time to get that stupid cmv re-test done.  Are you f**** kidding me?  THat is the stupidest thing ever- right?!  But, in retrospect, I actually am glad because I had not been taking the prenatal, folic acid- and healthier lifestyle I need to – to give myself every possible chance.  I hate to say I am not yet doing that right now either, but in small strides I have, so it is just harder for me to see it as a major change.

My next cycle is due to start on September 2nd.  Next step is getting the damn labs done and I am SO hoping that cmv is non-reactive… I NEED it to be non reactive!   So, provided everything goes right, I would call the clinic on day 1, schedule a day 2 or 3 *GROSS* baseline ultrasound, pick up and start clomid on day 3, and return on day 12 for follicle ultrasound and E2 blood work, and then, somewhere around Setepmber 15-16 have my first IUI, which would mean that I would get tested at about September 30th to see if it worked.  In order to push myself to do everything I can, and be positive, I needed to start planning and seeing it in black and white.

So, this past week at work, me and a couple co-workers were outside (smoking…. I know, I have got to stop- I do realize this……) and I said something about hating the heat- and someone said- “oh, going through the change huh”.   I don’t need to explain to anyone trying to conceive what hearing that feels like!  Further, it just gets me riled up again so I will leave it at that. But- I did out myself because in defensive mode I said “no, matter of fact, I’m trying to have a baby, and have had all the tests done and although I may be 39, my fertility age is actually younger”.  As soon as I said it I was shaking my head internally at myself saying. what in the hell did you just do!  Now you will forever have these coworkers looking at you, wondering if you are pregnant, and that is going to be fricken fantastic if I get a big fat negative!  That still may happen but, of the coworkers outside with me, the response I got was pretty amazing.  Both have said they will be praying for me, both said they think it is a wonderful thing, and both said how truly excited they are for me, so I decided to not worry about who they might tell and focus on the fact that I now have cheerleaders in my corner, cheering me on..

So, I am now back in the game, ready to focus and hopefully, God willing, get my big fat positive!

Hugs to you all!