Heartbroken

So, I am curious….. why do some people ( me) insist on making things harder.  For example, last evening, 2 days after I got my period, and BFN, I had another pregnancy test that I thought….hmmm, well, this cylce is very light compared to usual, mayyyyyybbbbeee I am pregnant and it was to early before and I am bleeding b/c it was twins, or triplets….. I had a brief moment of excitement until the test very clearly showed NOT pregnant.  I mean, I almost had a microscope with me looking for a faint line, zip, nada, none! 

Then, further, I decide to look online today at more statistics and further depress myself that I am doomed to be child-less forever.  5 people in my real and virtual life were in the 2ww at the same time. Statistically I figured one or two of us would get it.  Well, one of the 5 was my boss.  She miscarried a couple months back.  She tried last month and this last cycle.  This morning when she came in, I asked if she POAS, she told me she did and 3 tests are positive!  I am truly happy for her.  But, I am so sad for me.  I just have this hopelessness.  Partly because I know that most people who get BFP’s get them after IVF, and I don’t see how I could ever financially do IVF.  So, at least for today, my heart is sad, and I am hoping that the hopelessness goes away.

1st IUI-BFN

It is not as though I am not use to BFN’s…. I got them for each of my 6 self inseminations.  But-I really had high high hopes for this IUI.  Everything seemed timed so perfect, and I was taking my folic acid, and started Red Clover which is supposed to really help implantation, and egg health- and, just from what the GYN said about my CM being so fertile, especially for clomid- and my cervix being opened at the time of IUI- I thought I ovulated the same day as IUI and- I really visualized, and hoped, and prayed, I had others praying.  So, when I got the BFN, I still don’t even think I fully processed it.  I mean, obviously I know it didn’t work, but…. I am just numb.  I think if I were able to try again right away it would not be quite so bad, but I have to save up in order to but more DS.  I did ask my clinic to put in a complaint with the sperm bank.  Post thaw guarantee is 10million. I had 9.2  I wasn’t to concerned about that, but 23% motility I am, especially after researching normal amounts.  That is not part of the “standard” but taken into consideration.  They won’t let ME, the patient file the complaint, has to be the clinic.  I haven’t heard anything so I am guessing they are refusing. They don’t refund money or shipping, but will give you another vial, which is what I was hoping for, so I could try again this cycle.  Thank you to all who gave me prayers, and support.  And, I am still praying for those who are waiting-  Shannon, Ashdin, My boss, and Country Girl. 

Ann

CD 23 8 days post IUI (do you count the day of the IUI?- if so then it’s 9)

 

The 2 week wait is brutal- as anyone who’s TTC knows!  I am over half way through it, and actually, I think I was less worried earlier on, but the closer I get, I go between excited and scared.

SO, I cannot figure out how to count days post.  It sounds simple but I have heard contradicting answers.  I had my IUI last Saturday, in the AM.  I haven’t  been counting that day, I started counting the next day, but- I started thinking about it- I should count that day- because every morning is the start of a new day.  So- today- I thought- was 8 days post IUI- if I count the day of the IUI- it is 9, but then that isn’t post I suppose.  Well- does it really matter?  CD23 is really what I need to know.  But-maybe I get focused on that b/c it is easier than focusing on every twinge I feel or don’t feel. I have had very minor cramps, pretty much the entire cycle.  If I remember right, I think that is typical when on clomid and hcg trigger.  Hope so anyway.  I am in the PMS days now, so- it will be hard to differentiate- really there isn’t a way to differentiate between it.  I just constantly have to remind myself that PMS symptoms can be the same as early pregnancy.  Cramps, heartburn, etc…. can all happen if you are gonna get the bfp.  I had decided no POAS.  But- now I am like- well….maybe I should…. ultimately I doubt I will.  It’s just gonna make me crazy. If it’s positive- it could be the hcg trigger.  If it’s negative, I will think this cycle’s over. 

Despite all of the above I actually feel I am doing ok this cycle.  I pray alot, and am praying that- I have peace with whatever the outcome is. It’s out of my hands. 

A coworker is in school for herbalist……I asked her if she had any thing I could try to help fertility, specifically implantation- and she said not only does she know of what to give- she had it with her that day.  Red Clover.  She had the actual flower, so she put almost boiling water in a cup and put the plant/flowers right in- we had it sit overnight (although 4 hours would be ok I guess) and then I drank it room temp- after straining it of course.  I am going to go get some more of it, because it is good for alot of fertility things, and I figure at the worst it can’t hurt- it is also good to detoxify your blood.  But- I sure hope that it helps.  Obviously I told her about the IUI, etc. and we started talking- she has 4 kids (one set of twins in there), and she said she really thinks with 2 mature follies- I will get at least one baby this cycle, maybe 2.  Now, of course, how could she know but I am going with it!

A while back, I bought my first baby item- a little girl onsie outfit.  Well, yesterday I bought a little boy outfit.  Maybe to inspire twins, or just to be positive- visualize the destiny I want- which is a positive pregnancy- healthy baby! 

I know of a couple people who are within days of me cycle was- all TTC.  So- Shannon- she had her IUI the day after me!.  Ashdin- she had hers a couple days after me.  My boss- she didn’t have IUI- but her and her husband have started TTC after her miscarriage and her cycle started 2 days before mine.  I pray for all 4 of us to get bfp’s.  Screw the statistics, it can happen for all of us.  All 4 of us want to be mom’s so badly that we can physically feel it in our hearts, and all 4 of us would be such loving, wonderful, grateful mom’s!.  So- positive thoughts, and many prayers to the 4 of us that this week- the end of the week that is- one by one- we get our miracles!!

Ann

CD17-2 days post IUI

I am still feeling so positive that this worked.  I have just been walking around like I have this secret- and I just can’t wait till I can confirm it.   I did send my doctor a message asking her for more information on the “spot” she said was observed on my lining during the 2nd follicle ultrasound, as well as a request for the post thaw sperm count.  I have not yet received a reply on either.  I think I am deciding not to POAS, and just wait until this cycle comes to an end.  Although, as it gets closer, and symptoms start to occur and I can’t tell what is PMS and what might be early pregnancy- I may change my mind.  Knowing I did the HCG trigger shot will stop me from testing I think, b/c I don’t want to get a false positive.  I have heard it takes about 10 days for the trigger shot to be out of your system, and if I did mine on CD14- that would mean that 2 weeks exactly from the trigger is day 28, when my period would be due.  But- again, for some reason- the grace of God, I am not obsessing on negatives.  I am focusing and obsessing on the positives, and being excited, and wanting time to fly by so I can get my good news.  I would rather not obsess at all but at least it is good obsessing right?!

It would be nice to hear if anyone reading this has had a BFP on IUI #1…..

1 day post IUI-feeling excited!!

So, had my first IUI yesterday!  I was petrified it would hurt like my HSG did.  I barely felt anything!  My best friend Tyler was with me in the room, and that helped immensely!!!!  The doctor said it looked great, and asked if I was on clomid- I said yes I was.  She said- well, this is great b/c you have a lot of fertile CM!  I took to mean that she meant ovulation was imminent!  I layed on the table after about  10 minutes, and then yesterday I visualized alot- visualized getting the positive, telling my best friend I am pregnant- celebrating, being excited, etc.  I know it is just my first IUI, but- for some reason- I feel hopeful about this.  I feel it was timed right, and I had 2 big follicles 22 and 28 on the left- so I think that I have a fairly good chance of one of those fertilizing and sticking- better if both do- but, I don’t want to be over hopeful!  Now, the 2 week wait starts.  I am really going to try to keep the positivity I feel now, b/c I think it will help.  I waited SO long for this, and I cannot believe it is here- and done already!  I have prayed alot- and have many friends praying for me.  Hopefully this is it~

Love to you all!

1st IUI tomorrow…..

Today I had my 2nd follie ultrasound. (CD14).  Right ovary produced none over 10. :(.  Left ovary- 2 days ago I had 2 follies, both 16mm.  Today one was 22, the other 28.  So, I did the trigger injection at 9:30am.  I will have the IUI tomorrow morning at 8am.  I am nervous, excited, and a whole lot of other emotions.  But- mostly, right now- TIRED.  I think I just was so worried on the timing, and if I ovulated before the 2nd ultrasound, etc. and now that things are set I am just exhausted.  Today, I have done very little productive work- at work!  I am scared the IUI will hurt, b/c my HSG hurt so absolutely awfully.  I looked it up and everything says that it is nothing like the HSG.  So….hopefully, the timing will be good, and all will go smoothly!

CD13…… Praying I don’t ovulate yet

Today is CD13.  I am trying to just let all of this go and put faith in The Lord, and my Doctor.  I am so nervous I will ovulate before my follicle ultrasound and HCG trigger tomorrow morning…..  I have ovulation pains, which I know doesn’t mean ovulation, hopefully just growing follicles.  But, as anyone going through this knows, I just want./need it to work so badly that I am thinking of all the what if’s that could possibly occur. 

but, if things go to plan, I will find out that the 2 follies on the left that were both at 16mm each yesterday have grown to around 20mm, and maybe one of the smaller on the right, or left- grow enough to have the HCG trigger mature and release it/those too.  I am a little worried that doing IUI 23 hours post HCG shot is to early, but then, worried if I waited, it would be to late.  This timing thing is so crucial, but so hard to plan, and control.  Doesn’t help that the clinic ONLY does IUI at 8am- every day of the week- same time- only 8am.  Then I think…..wow- if I am this freaked out now- how will I handle the 2 week wait.  I have had 2 week waits, but all were with home insemination which I did have hope would work, but- for my first actual IUI 2 week wait- I have more hope, and…well- what more can I say- anyone going through this knows exactly what I am dealing with.

I need prayers, and positive thoughts…..