Hope is back………FINALLY

WOW, I just wrote this entire post, and it published and then I click to look at it and all that appears is the title.  Are you ***** Kidding me?!  URGH. Well, I am at work so I guess I will have to re-do it later.  Crap.





So, I finally got the HSG done, without inconclusive results.  Earlier in the year I scheduled one, and it was the worst, torturous pain I have ever felt.  Worse, the dye didn’t even make it to my tubes for some reason, so they said they would of had to start over, I refused.  After this first IUI didn’t work, I agreed to do it, so I know if it is worth it.  My own GYN did the procedure, and told me she would do all she could to not use the tenaculum. 

It was painful with the speculum, more then when it goes in for a regular pap.  I asked if she could take it out once catheter was in, and she said yes, once it was out- I felt NOTHING.  She said expect cramping, maybe severe- I had none.  I felt a little pinch as the catheter went in but- really- it was nothing.  One tube spilled out right away, the other, they had to make more dye and then have me roll to one side, then the other, and that one spilled, so I was told- both tubes are open, normal looking, uterus looks fine!  I was so excited, I jumped up (literally) in my butt showing backless gown and hugged her!  I then said- so… you think, now with this news, I have a shot? She took me by the shoulders and said “I would not be doing any of this if I didn’t think it could work-I believe it can and will”.  So, I feel such a relief. 

Still working on the sperm bank stuff.  I feel, as does anyone I have discussed with- that 23% motility is not acceptable.  They guarantee 10million post thaw, mine was 9.2 million, and I wasn’t really worried about that but others said- if I am told 10 million as a standard/guarantee, I should get that.  The complaint has to be done within 10 business days.  The clinic has went literally back and forth over and over on who has to do the form.  The form itself is clearly supposed to be done by the lab staff who did the thaw, but the lab said my GYN, who ordered the insem (but didn’t do it- they have a IUI clinic) has to do it.  She said she would but doesn’t know the info to put, and so nothing has gotten done.  I faxed the lab, heard NOTHING back.  I faxed the sperm bank explaining everything, and even included the thaw report the clinic posted on my MYCHART secure medical record, and copy of the messages I sent on MYCHART about this, and copy of the letter to the lab, and asked if they would please consider this when they do finally get it- that I tried well before the deadline and it was due to my clinic arguing that it didn’t get done.  I got a message saying they got my fax, and need more detailed info- and to call them. So- I am going to do that tomorrow, and am hoping that the fact they didn’t just say – No-rules are rules- means they would at least take it into consideration.  My GYN said the day of the HSG, how sorry she was about all of this- and that to resend her the forms and she will do her best and just complete it- but- if it all works out and I get a replacement vial- I can have my 2nd medicated IUI this next cycle (Due to start this Friday), but if not, at least 1-2 months.  If the 2nd one isn’t successful we are going to strongly consider my finding an RE that will do injectables.  But- I have had good luck with 50 of clomid- (2 mature eggs at least – every time), so for the 2nd, we are doubling the dose.  But- anyway, I am rambling as I tend to do- I just am grateful I know I am ok.  We are redoing my day 3 labs too, I had them done a year ago and it was all really good but- I want to be sure- my GYN said she thinks it’s ok but agreed to order them for my peace of mind. 

It is hard, b/c so many are pregnant or have just given birth (as I have mentioned- 2 at work just returned from maternity leave, and have loads of pics to share with everyone), my boss, who is my friend, she is pregnant- we share an office- and I am genuinally excited for her- but it happened SO EASY and fast for her, and I am trying not to fall into the trap I have been in where I compare and assume that means it will never ever work for me…..

To all my blog friends- thank you for your support- I don’t know what I would do without you!

More Testing while I wait for IUI 2

So… HSG attempt 2 is scheduled for Friday.  My own GYN is doing it this time though and promised to do all she could NOT to use that damed tenaculum/clamp/torture thing….  I am still really afraid though, b/c it was the worst thing I ever experienced, and worse even inconclusive (see previous posts for info).  We are then re-doing all day 3 labs, and I will be asking for an antral follicle count, whcih is something I have not yet ever had.  And, than, I have heard others talking about a Natural Killer……. (can’t remember the last word of this) but it is something that can make pregnancy impossible or hard). 

I really still feel barren and hopeless, however, I FINALLY have had some moments where my thoughts were hopeful, so I hope that continues so I can regain my hope, b/c really- I haven’t been doing anything to prepare b/c I had all but given up.  I know everyone is sick of my whiney, poor poor me bullshit. 

Add to that, 2 coworkers returned from maternity leave in the last week., and my boss, who is also my friend, is pregnant, she and I had our cycles 2 days apart, her- natural with her husband, me medicated IUI and she is pregnant.  I am so happy for her, but- I feel like- just say I get my miracle and get pregnant- who in the hell will care, everyone will already be mom’s, grandparents, and have had close friends they watched go through it- so being single- it will be even harder to not have anyone who is excited for me, but me. 

Ok, enough whining for today, gotta get back to work.

How does one pick themselves up and dust off and move on??

So, here I am…. still focusing on all I don’t have.  It is a case of the “Not Got’s, I feel like a barren, sad, heartbroken- it is NEVER EVER going to happen to me, no matter what I try.  I don’t know how people can move on, not that it is easy to- but- I just can’t/or haven’t been able to do it.  Then, I think- I can’t not keep trying, so- WTF am I supposed to do?  I just am in the biggest pity party, and it’s like I am the only one invited to this pathetic party and it is ridiculously sad and I hate it. 

That was my rant for the day.