Decision made on next step (I think)

I am 99% sure that I have made my decision on my next step.  I have given it a lot of thought and prayer and have decided that I want the injectable route for my next IUI.  I considered one more round of clomid, but- I feel that I am better to give myself every chance possible, and although the RE considers me only having 2 well timed cylces of trying to conceive (both with IUI since I am single), and my AMH is normal, and HSG, and all hormone tests are within normal range, so he feels 2 or 3 natural IUI cycles is a good next step- what I think is- —– I am still 39, and I think I need to just do the injectables.  If I could afford IVF I would but it is not an option, and without a cosigner I cannot get a loan for it, and I have no cosigner so….. right now- it is injectable IUI.  The RE is at least allowing me to have 6 mature eggs before cancelling the cycle.  So, now it is save up $ since I lost my coverage for fertility treatments, and get into shape while I wait.  My goal is to do it within 2 cycles tops. I just finished my period a few days ago, so likely 2 cycles before I can do it.  The waiting is hard, and still, everywhere I look are pregnant ladies.  My Brother and his wife just reached the 20 week mark, 21 tomorrow and found out they are having a girl.  My old boss who I am throwing a shower for is coming up on her 30th week.  My fear is if the cycle I do injectables don’t work, it will mean nothing will, and I cant face that.  I don’t know if I could be happy, with a will to live without being a mom, carrying a child.  I know all of us feel this going through infertility treatment, but- how do you be positive, have faith, and trust in God’s Will, without trying to take control back????

Long time no blog…..

I have not been on here in so long.  After the 2nd failed IUI and all my failed home insems I just was in a mindset of- if it was going to work  it would have.  But- I did decide to see another RE.  This time at a big medical chain, OB-GYN department that has one RE on staff.  After reviewing everything, he wanted to do an AMH anti mullerian hormone test which he said is the best way to see how much time if any I have, egg quality and reserve, without taking an egg out to see.  Prior to the test I said I want injectables.  He said, it depends on the AMH results.  If it shows my reserve is low, then he supports it.  If it is within normal range for my age, “if it were up to me, which it is not, it is up to you…… I would recommend doing 2-3 natural IUI cycles- no meds, just LH surge monitoring, and then if no pregnancy we will talk.”.  I was not liking that b/c I have already done clomid and trigger shot with both IUI’s and 2 self insems prior.  Why would I go backwords.  If age and money weren’t issues, I would maybe consider one natural. But- when I expressed this he said he isn’t saying he won’t do it but if my AMH is ok, more discussion is needed, I can’t just schedule an apt to jump in, so AMH came back normal, don’t know number off top of my head and don’t have access to it now. So…. now what… I don’t know. My normal GYN would do another clomid and trigger shot IUI, but- I’m so afraid it won’t work. One good thing is- I did say to the RE, how many eggs would you allow me to have mature before cancelling the cycle- he said 6. My GYN wont do more then 4, and her partners wont do 3 even so….. I’m glad with 6, good odds. I had good timing I think with IUI’s, but always was 24 hours post trigger, and maybe I should have waites 36, but both times they said my CM was fertile, looked great for timing. So thoughts advice? I need it.