Decision made on next step (I think)

I am 99% sure that I have made my decision on my next step.  I have given it a lot of thought and prayer and have decided that I want the injectable route for my next IUI.  I considered one more round of clomid, but- I feel that I am better to give myself every chance possible, and although the RE considers me only having 2 well timed cylces of trying to conceive (both with IUI since I am single), and my AMH is normal, and HSG, and all hormone tests are within normal range, so he feels 2 or 3 natural IUI cycles is a good next step- what I think is- —– I am still 39, and I think I need to just do the injectables.  If I could afford IVF I would but it is not an option, and without a cosigner I cannot get a loan for it, and I have no cosigner so….. right now- it is injectable IUI.  The RE is at least allowing me to have 6 mature eggs before cancelling the cycle.  So, now it is save up $ since I lost my coverage for fertility treatments, and get into shape while I wait.  My goal is to do it within 2 cycles tops. I just finished my period a few days ago, so likely 2 cycles before I can do it.  The waiting is hard, and still, everywhere I look are pregnant ladies.  My Brother and his wife just reached the 20 week mark, 21 tomorrow and found out they are having a girl.  My old boss who I am throwing a shower for is coming up on her 30th week.  My fear is if the cycle I do injectables don’t work, it will mean nothing will, and I cant face that.  I don’t know if I could be happy, with a will to live without being a mom, carrying a child.  I know all of us feel this going through infertility treatment, but- how do you be positive, have faith, and trust in God’s Will, without trying to take control back????


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